5 Mind Games Narcissists Play

Narcissists often use manipulative tactics to control and emotionally destabilize their targets. Below, we explore the top five games narcissists play to manipulate your mind and emotions, along with strategies to counter them effectively.

1. Pretending Not to Understand

Narcissists may feign ignorance of basic morality, cultural norms, or societal expectations to evade accountability. For example, when confronted with wrongdoing, they might claim, “I didn’t know that was wrong.” This tactic is easily disproved when you consider their ability to correctly judge similar situations in other contexts, such as commenting on a TV show’s characters. Their pretended ignorance is a deliberate ploy to avoid responsibility.

2. Deflect & Attack

Known as “whataboutism,” this tactic involves deflecting criticism by attacking the accuser. When confronted with evidence of their wrongdoing, narcissists shift focus by accusing you of something else, often exaggerating or fabricating your faults. This can provoke an emotional outburst, which they then use to label you as “unstable” or “crazy,” sidestepping their actions. This is commonly referred to as reactive abuse.

How To Outsmart A Narcissist (THIS Will Surprise You)

3. Deny & Distract

Narcissists frequently deny their actions outright, even in the face of evidence, with responses like, “That didn’t happen,” or, “You misunderstood me.” They layer denials with distractions, such as bringing up unrelated issues or triggering your emotional sensitivities. This tactic exhausts you, pushing you into exasperation and diverting attention from their wrongdoing.

4. Psychic Reading

In this game, narcissists presume to know your thoughts, feelings, or actions, even when they lack evidence. They might say, “You don’t believe that,” or, “I know what you’re feeling.” This tactic binds you to their version of reality, making it difficult to assert your perspective. For those with a history of narcissistic abuse, this can evoke childhood trauma, leading to emotional breakdowns that shift focus back to your reactions.

5. Reframing

When cornered with undeniable evidence, narcissists reframe the situation to shift blame or focus. For instance, they might say, “This isn’t about what I did; it’s about your issues with your mother.” By exploiting your insecurities or sensitive topics, they trigger strong emotional responses, redirecting the conversation away from their actions.

The Core of Narcissistic Manipulation

These games are designed to provoke emotional anguish and exasperation. As Professor Sam Vaknin notes, narcissistic abuse is not about the narcissist’s ego but about eliciting your emotional responses. Your reactions of anger, sadness, or frustration are their goal, as they feed off your distress to maintain control.

How to Fight Back

To counter these manipulative tactics, adopt the following strategies to reduce your emotional reactivity and reclaim your power.

1. Give Up Hope & Grieve

Accept that the narcissist will not change or become the person you hope they could be. Whether it’s a co-parent or a partner, let go of the fantasy that they’ll act in good faith. Begin grieving this loss to free yourself from emotional entanglement. Acknowledging their deeply disturbed nature helps you see the reality of the situation.

2. Grey Rock Method

Minimize engagement with the narcissist to starve them of emotional fuel. Respond with short, neutral answers, reduce contact where possible, and avoid sharing personal information. For example, if texting is necessary, use fewer words. This technique limits their ability to manipulate you.

3. Stop Telling Them How You Feel

Sharing your emotions with a narcissist only provides them with data to exploit. Unlike in healthy relationships, expressing sadness or anger won’t lead to reconciliation; it fuels their manipulation. Save emotional discussions for trusted friends or therapists who understand narcissistic abuse.

4. Come Back to You

Narcissistic abuse erodes your boundaries, allowing their resentment and negativity to infiltrate your psyche. Rebuild your emotional walls by giving up hope, grieving, and focusing on your values. This process, inspired by philosopher Søren Kierkegaard’s concept of despair, helps you realign with your authentic self and expel the narcissist’s influence.

5. Destroy the Shared Fantasy

Narcissistic relationships often trap you in a “shared fantasy,” a distorted reality where you’re emotionally fused with the narcissist, akin to a child-parent dynamic. Professor Sam Vaknin’s dual mothership model explains this co-idealization process, where both parties idealize each other, creating a toxic bond. To break free, you must:

Emotionally abandon the narcissist, even if it feels like a mother abandoning a child, and process the associated guilt.
Destroy the shared fantasy by recognizing it as a false reality. This requires conscious effort, as the fantasy can persist even after physical separation.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Leaving a narcissist is challenging because the relationship mimics a child-parent bond. Breaking away feels like losing a mother’s love, triggering deep pain and guilt. The narcissist’s idealized image of you, combined with your idealization of them, creates an addictive dynamic. To heal, you must dismantle this fantasy and reclaim your reality.