When you are discarded by a narcissist, you’ll be incredibly confused. You’ll start researching what the hell just happened. You’ll find videos like this one and think, “Holy.” You’ll hear about how narcissists hoover you back over and over again, but that’s not always the case.
Reason 1: Exposure to Their True Nature
A narcissist may paint you black and never try to hoover you back if you unequivocally expose your true nature. If you show proof of their abuses and manipulations to others, perhaps through public exposure or in a way that ruins their carefully crafted image, be prepared for fierce resistance, retaliation, and intense backlash.
They will spread lies about you, launching smear campaigns at every turn, and they will permanently discard you, hating on you with a passion until the day that they die. In this case, the narcissist will never change their mind about you because doing so would completely discredit them and damage their fragile ego.
Instead, they will double down on their negative narrative about you, smear your reputation to anyone who will listen, and retaliate at every opportunity. To them, maintaining their delusion of being flawless and faultless is the priority, even if it means rewriting history and vilifying you forever.
Reason 2: Impact of Significant Failures or Illness
If you experience significant failures, problems, or an illness that causes you to lose face, status, or your ability to provide services and resources, narcissists are extremely concerned with their image, reputation, and having their needs met.
They thrive on being associated with success, power, and attractiveness. So when a partner’s circumstances change in a way that could damage the narcissist’s image, or when you have nothing of value to offer them, they will usually choose to dissociate from you and distance themselves to protect their status, often discarding you like they never even knew you.
Their lack of empathy and selfishness do not allow them to view their partner’s struggles as a shared challenge to overcome together. Instead, they view it as a liability that could reflect poorly on them. In their minds, it’s easier to cut ties and erase the existence of you and the relationship rather than risk any damage to their reputation and their access to services and resources.
Reason 3: Loss of Control Over You
The loss of control. If you resist all of the narcissist’s manipulations and become uncontrollable, you will become extremely unappealing to them. Narcissists view relationships in terms of utility; if they perceive that you no longer serve their needs or provide the same level of admiration, attention, services, or resources, they may discard you forever, or they may keep you nearby as a secondary source of supply in case they need something in the future.
But they will not actively pursue you or hoover you back as their primary partner. Their focus has already shifted to securing new sources of supply who are superior to you and more compliant, definitely easier to manipulate. The narcissist’s lack of genuine emotional connection means that they can discard and replace you without remorse, viewing you merely as a tool that has outlived its usefulness.
Reason 4: Excessive Emotional Neediness
Excessive emotional neediness. Narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs and desires, often lacking empathy and patience to deal with their partner’s emotional needs. It’s just too much for them, and it disrupts the narcissist’s sense of control and drains their energy, which they prefer to invest in more gratifying sources of supply.
In their minds, maintaining a connection with an emotionally needy person is not worth the effort unless that person is providing them with extreme levels of admiration, such as in the case of a partner with borderline personality disorder, where the narcissist often gets addicted to the intense validation, attention, and admiration that the person with BPD is providing.
Reason 5: Loss of Physical Attractiveness or Se*xual Interest
The loss of physical attractiveness or se*xual interest. Narcissists often prioritize physical attractiveness and se*xual appeal in their partners above all else. If they perceive that their partner no longer meets their standards in these areas, they might discard them and never look back.
This superficial approach reflects the narcissist’s lack of genuine emotional connection and showcases their tendency to objectify their partners. That said, if their partner, who is now no longer attractive to them, still serves them well and provides many resources that they can’t get elsewhere, they may keep them around, but they will have an affair partner without any remorse whatsoever. The narcissist’s focus on their gratification always outweighs any sense of commitment to their partner.
Reason 6: Fear of Retaliation or Retribution
Fear of retaliation or retribution. If a narcissist believes their discarded partner might seek revenge or retaliation, they may cut all ties with them if they deem them dangerous and unpredictable. Narcissists thrive on control and predictability, and the threat of an unhinged, vengeful ex is something that they might try to steer clear of.
Reason 7: Establishing a New Identity
Establishing a new identity. Sometimes a narcissist may decide to reinvent themselves, which includes leaving behind their old life, relationships, and any connections that could remind them of their past failures or imperfections.
In this quest for a new identity, they may discard their current partner to fully immerse themselves in their new life, with their new partner, in a new environment, with a different circle of friends, and a lifestyle that better suits their new image. In this scenario, hoovering an ex-back would undermine their efforts to distance themselves from their past and the person they supposedly used to be.
But make no mistake a snake is a snake, no matter how many times they shed their skin, and soon they will reveal their true colors once again, showing that their outward changes were merely superficial.
Moving On and Becoming Hoover-Proof
After being discarded by a narcissist, you will likely spend an inordinate amount of time trying to unpack the relationship and figure out what happened. Eventually, you’ll realize that it wasn’t about you at all; it was about them and their insatiable need for validation and control.
With a little investigative work, you’ll end up finding out about many of their lies and deceptions. You’ll discover that their charming facade masked a pattern of manipulative and deceitful behavior that extended far beyond you and your relationship. But maybe the worst thing about this whole experience is that you may still find yourself wanting them back, despite all of this.
If this is you, then it is time to face reality, grieve the ghost you thought you knew, heal yourself, and recognize that you truly deserve better. Once you do this, you will become hoover-proof. Your ex probably won’t even try to get you back. It’s like they sense when the energetic highway has been closed for good, and if they try to get you back out of desperation, they will immediately realize that there are no detours, no way to get through to you.
You do not pity them, no anger towards them, no admiration, and no hope—simply indifference. They will quickly realize that you are no longer susceptible to their manipulations and will swiftly move on to an easier target.
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